Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
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[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
I triple waxed for this?
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy