You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
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I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me