[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
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[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
I know karate and tons of other words.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit