Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
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My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
watergate? u mean a dam??
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”