Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
You Might Also Like
Is this a threat?
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
Just so funny
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
no one ever comes back
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”