*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
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My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
*looks at you in batman voice*
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
White Castle for the Win
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
I forgot how to panic. Help
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?