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Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
#parenting
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Jogging
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣