Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
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The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
Mistakes were made
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does