*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
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saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
Always a metermaid never a meter
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat