I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
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Money is the root of all wealth
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do