I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
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I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
relationship goals
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.