As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
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Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
selena gomez
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
When can I start eating bats again.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.