My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
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Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99