[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
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I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Worth a try
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.