I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
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I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key