Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
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The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*