There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
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Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?