“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
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I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese