Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
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You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
This took me a second..
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.