Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
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haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
synchronized noseblowing
The best plant holders?
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow