I don’t understand what’s happening here.
You Might Also Like
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
How it started: How it’s going:
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.