When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
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Trumpy Cat
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]