If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
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Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Hot Hot Hot
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’