My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
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To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
Damn what did I do next
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific