When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
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Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Today’s Times
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Cats (2019)
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
classic mixup
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything