[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
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Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
Mountain Goat : )
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Flowers bee like
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls