Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
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ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
uncle dave has been through hell
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…