*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
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Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
IT’S-A ME,
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
You better watch out
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.