You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
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ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
God has abandoned us.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
This trial is so absurd 😭
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.