A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
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Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
May have had one breakfast too many
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?