Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
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Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Good point.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”