I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
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why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.