Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
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my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
How your email finds me
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm
Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go
Kid: why do I have to do that?
Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies
Kid:
Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
how it started vs how it ended