Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
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Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE