That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
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Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”