[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
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date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
dam girl
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Brilliant!
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.