My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
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If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
the short answer to this question
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
this makes me so uncomfortable
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Only short people can save us
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.