If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
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Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’