The Bachelorette… but for cats.
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So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year