Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
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Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
“our sushi is very fresh”
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn