if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
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friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!