You Might Also Like
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe