i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
You Might Also Like
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)