I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
You Might Also Like
My dad.
Has science gone too far?
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
I only eat vegetarians.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
Strange
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.