PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
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my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
being a writer on Twitter:
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap