when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
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I miss this era type of pranks😭
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
No, he would not have.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
no!! no!!!!!!
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.