Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
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Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her