Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
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Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together