list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
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Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
who wore it better?
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions