Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
You Might Also Like
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
This guy gets it.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
he chose this
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.